Current mood:

distressed

Why now?
I am putting this here for a couple of reasons. A) no one reads this journal, there is no real reason to. B) I am hoping that someone does and can offer a reason.

I have friends who cut, many. I have had the urge as well, many times in the last 7 years or so and have come very close. Very close. I am there again.

I turn 40 tomorrow, but that's not the why. I don't care about age. My life is unhappy, unsettled, insecure, and what pisses me off the most I suppose it that not only is it my 40th Birthday tomorrow, the 16th is my tenth Wedding Anniversary, and we don't have money to do SHIT for either, after having wonderful plans for both, for years.

We are SUPPOSED to be going to Las Vegas, sans kids so I can get a new tattoo, Mitch cand get his first ink, and we were going to renew our vows at Excalibur in full Renn Faire garb in the chapel. Well, not gonna happen. It looks like all the celebration gets put on hold indefinitely.

We had to wait to take our Honeymoon because I was pregnant with our first child. We DID make it to Mardi Gras a year later, and yeah, it was worth the wait. But, goddammit, I wanted to celebrate my TENTH Anniversay on my TENTH!

I know it's fucked up to be whining about something as transitory as MONEY with all the gore and unhappiness in the world. We are all healthy, Mitch has a stable job, we have our home, blah blah blah... So I have no right to bitch, right?

Well fuck that too! Our life may be perfect and all sunshine and giggles compaired to the white trash down the hill, or the "minorities" in Oakland, but I don't feel fucking priviledged, or blessed or any of that right now. I feel angry, and hurt, and cheated.

He is telling me to do it. That Evil Side of me, my Alter personality. He wants to see the gore run in the shower, and taste the tang of it on my tongue.

God, what to do to loose the pain? I want to break something, hurt someone, be it me or the world. Someone has to answer for this.

Yeah, but who?